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Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because
he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. 
Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me.
If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday
for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'
Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.' 
Paddy was in New York .. He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a
busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted,
'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time,
Paddy went over to him and said,
'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?' 
O'toole staggered home very late after another evening with his
drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading
to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.
As he caught himself by grabbing the banister,
his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.
A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke
and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants,
and looked in the hall mirror to see that his rear end was cut and bleeding.
He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began
putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box
and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed..
In the morning, O'toole woke up with searing pain in both his head
and rear end and Kathleen staring at him from across the room. She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?' O'toole said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'
'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door,
it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs,
it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house,
it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly .......
it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
Song
After The Battle Of Aughrim
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