TO GOD FROM THE DOG...


Dear God:

Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog (you know I have been guilty of these before):

1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up. 2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell. 3. I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although they are tasty, they are not food.

4. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar. 5. The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and Dad's laps. 6. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

7. My head does not belong in the refrigerator. 8. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration. 9. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

10. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying 'hello.' 11. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table. 12. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.

13. I will not throw up in the car. 14. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt. 15. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over. 16. The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

And God I was wondering about some other things:

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch...or is it going to be the same old story? Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?

Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back? Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog? Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please. Dear God: When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in? Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?